Hearing Impaired Girl Writes Thank You Note To Seattle Seahawks Derrick Coleman

[Charizard 81]

              Derrick Coleman is a full back for the Seattle Seahawks. He did a duracell commercial on how he supports deaf people. He to is also deaf so he knows how its like and how children go through it. When he gaved the speech there where people listening and the attention it caught was a little 9 year old girl she was so heart whelmed by it that she wrote a letter directly to Derrick Coleman. He loved the letter she wrote to him.

 

              How it got viral was because Erin and Riley Kovalcik's dad Jake Kovalicik tweeted "A letter to the Seahawks Derrick Coleman." Riley and Erin heard about him through the duracell commercial. Derrick Coleman is a 23 year old man and he's been deaf ever since he was 3. In the commercial he describes how he will get picked on and how he never succeed in football. "They told me it couldn't be done. That I was a lost cause. I was picked on. And picked last," Coleman says in his commercial. "They gave up on me. Told me I should just quit."

 

 

             Since the commercial Riley and Erin became Seahawk fans. Riley even gave him a congrats sentence on there defeat on the 49ers. "Good job on January 20th game," she wrote to him. Because of that letter they are going to go see there favorite football player and watch him from the stands and cheer him on. Riley and Erin said they will only have to words to say while there cheering in the stands "Go Seahawks." This concludes my story on this heres a picture of the letter that Riley and Erin wrote to Derrick Coleman.

 

 

 

 

 

[Pandora 10]

**Before you get to the edits, I want to let you know that I do have a couple suggestions for rearrangement, but you should do these edits first to make it easier to explain. I know it looks like a lot of red, but a good portion of that was my notes, so don't be too discouraged. I wanted to explain as much as possible so you were aware of why things were being changed. If you have questions about anything I changed or want me to go into further detail on something, please don't hesitate to ask me. I will get with you on Skype sometime to try to help you in some areas that you seem to struggle with.**

 

 

 

Derrick Coleman is a fullback(space deleted) for the Seattle Seahawks. He did a Duracell commercial on how he supports deaf people. He too (You want to use "too" in this case because it means "also.")  is also (Since "too" is essentially saying "also," this is redundant and not needed.) deaf, so he knows how what it's (The apostrophe is needed here because you are saying "what it is like" rather than showing possession.) like and how children go through it. When he gaved the speech there where were people listening (This particular section isn't necessary and just clutters up the sentence.) and the attention it caught was (Rearrange to read "it caught the attention of.." so it flows better.) a little 9 (Generally, you want to write out single digit numbers. If you do this, you should write out the other numbers in the article (23, 3) to be consistent. However, the official rules on this are sketchy and even though I would write them out, I don't mind if you don't.)  year old girl. She was so heart whelmed (Either change to "overwhelmed" or "She found it so heart-warming that she..") by it that she wrote a letter directly to Derrick Coleman. He loved the letter she wrote to him.

 

              How it got viral was (Change to say "The letter went viral.." so it's clear what you're talking about and so it's grammatically correct.)because Erin and Riley Kovalcik's dad, Jake Kovalicik, tweeted "A letter to the Seahawk's Derrick Coleman." Riley and Erin heard about him through the Duracell commercial. Derrick Coleman is a 23 year old man and he's been deaf ever since he was 3. In the commercial he describes how he will get has been (He was talking about how he was being picked on in the past. "Will get" would mean that he's talking about the future.) picked on and how he told he would never succeed in football. "They told me it couldn't be done. That I was a lost cause. I was picked on, and picked last," Coleman says in his commercial. "They gave up on me. Told me I should just quit."

 

             Since the commercial, Riley and Erin became Seahawk fans. Riley even gave him a congrats congratulatory (Changed because "congrats" is informal.) sentence on there their defeat on of the 49ers. "Good job on January 20th game," she wrote to him. Because of that letter they are going to go see there their favorite football player, and watch him from the stands, and cheer him on. Riley and Erin said they will only have two words to say while there they're cheering in the stands: "Go Seahawks." This concludes my story on this. Here's (The conclusion should be more subtle than just a "This concludes my story, bye." sort of thing. If you delete this section and instead say "Below is a picture..," that will do in this case.) a picture of the letter that Riley and Erin wrote to Derrick Coleman.

[Charizard 81]

                  Derrick Coleman is a fullback for the Seattle Seahawks. He did a Duracell commercial on how he supports deaf people. He too is deaf, so he knows it's like and how children go through it. When he gave the speech there were people listening it caught the attention of a little nine year old girl. She was so overwhelmed by it that she wrote a letter directly to Derrick Coleman. He loved the letter she wrote to him

 

                  The letter went viral because Erin and Riley Kovalcik's dad, Jake Kovalcik, tweeted " A letter to the Seahawk's Derrick Coleman." Riley and Erin heard about him through the Duracell commercial. Derrick Coleman is a twenty three year old man and he's been deaf ever since he was three. In the commercial he describes how he has been picked on and told he would never succeed in football. "They told me it couldn't be done. That I was a lost cause. I was picked on, and picked last," Coleman says in his commercial. "They gave up on me. Told me I should just quit."

 

                  Since the commercial, Riley and Erin became Seahawk fans. Riley eve gave him a congratulatory sentence on their defeat of the 49ers. "Good job on January 20th game," she wrote to him. Because of that letter they are going to go see their favorite football player, watch him from the stands, and cheer him on. Riley and Erin said they will only have two words to say while they're cheering in the stands: "Go Seahawks." Below is a picture of the letter Erin and Riley wrote to Derrick Coleman.

 

 

 

 

[Pandora 10]

You can reword the sentences I put at the bottom, they're merely there as guidelines. Once you make these changes, go ahead and make a new topic in the Community News. Just make sure you align the article to the center and put "Author: KSI Domo" at the bottom (this part aligned to the left). Good work, and congrats on writing your first article!

 

Derrick Coleman is a fullback for the Seattle Seahawks. He did a Duracell commercial on how he supports deaf people.¹He too is deaf, so he knows it's like and how children go through it. When he gave the speech there were people listening it caught the attention of a little nine year old girl, Riley Kovalcik. She was so overwhelmed by it that she wrote a letter directly to Derrick Coleman.² He loved the letter she wrote to him.³

 

                  The letter went viral because Erin and Riley Kovalcik's dad, Jake Kovalcik, tweeted "A letter to the Seahawk's Derrick Coleman." Riley and Erin heard about him through the Duracell commercial.⁴ Derrick Coleman is a twenty-three year old man and he's been deaf ever since he was three. In the commercial he describes how he has been picked on and told he would never succeed in football. "They told me it couldn't be done. That I was a lost cause. I was picked on, and picked last," Coleman says in his commercial. "They gave up on me. Told me I should just quit."

 

                  Since the commercial, Riley and Erin became Seahawk fans. Riley even gave him a congratulatory sentence on their defeat of the 49ers. "Good job on January 20th game," she wrote to him. Because of that letter they are going to go see their favorite football player, watch him from the stands, and cheer him on. Riley and Erin said they will only have two words to say while they're cheering in the stands: "Go Seahawks." Below is a picture of the letter Erin and (Technically she didn't write the letter, she was just mentioned in it.) Riley wrote to Derrick Coleman.

 

1. I'd suggest merging these two sentences so it reads something like "Derrick Coleman, a fullback for the Seattle Seahawks, recently did a Duracell commercial showing support for deaf people." Otherwise the two sentences back to back seem choppy.

 

2. A sentence saying something like "She talked about how she and her sister, Erin, are also hearing impaired and how he was an inspiration to them." would be good here because it not only summarizes what she wrote to him about, but also introduces her sister. Otherwise, when she's first mentioned in the second paragraph, it's rather sudden because you go from talking about one girl to two.

 

3. This is completely up to you, but you could add something about how he responded with a letter of his own to add a bit more detail.

 

4. This sentence seems out of place in its current position. A better spot would be the beginning of paragraph three. If you do move it there, you might want to rewrite the following sentence so it says something like "Since then, they've become fans of the Derrick Coleman and the Seahawks."

[Charizard 81]

           Derrick Coleman is a fullback for the Seattle Seahawks. He did a Duracell commercial on how he supports deaf people. He too is deaf, so he knows it's like and how children go through it. When he gave the speech it caught the attention of a little nine year old girl, Riley Kolvalcik. She was so overwhelmed by it she wrote directly to Derrick Coleman. He loved the letter she wrote him.

 

 

          The letter went viral because Erin and Riley Kolalcik's dad, Jake Kolakcik, tweeted "A letter to the Seahawk's Derrick Coleman." Riley and Erin heard about him through the Duracell commercial. Derrick Coleman is twenty-three year old man and he's been deaf ever since he was three. In the commercial he describes how hes been picked on and told he would never succeed in football. "They told me it couldn't be done. That I was a lost cause. I was picked on, and picked last," Coleman says in his commercial. "They gave up on me. Told me I should just quit."

 

         Since the commercial, Riley and Erin became Seahawk fans. Riley even gave him a congratulatory on their defeat of the 49ers. "Good job on January 20th game," she wrote to him. Because of that letter they are going to go see their favorite football player, watch him from the stands, and cheer him on. Riley and Erin said they will only have two words to say while they're cheering in the stands: "Go Seahawks." Below is a picture of the letter Riley wrote to Derrick Coleman.